I couldn\u2019t say I was surprised when my cousin finally passed\naway. He had lived life without much concern for what tomorrow would bring, and\n53 years at that pace had finally caught up with him. His body had been\nrelenting. His life in the fast lane left little room for the vagaries of day-to-day\nfamily interaction either, and at times that had alienated people. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
He had never married or had children and both his parents had\ndied prematurely. Much of our family live outside the UK and so, when he fell\nill and his health began deteriorating quickly, the list of people rushing to\nhis bedside wasn\u2019t as long as we would have liked it to be. It was largely down\nto my father and me to maintain a vigil. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
After a week watching the very best efforts of the amazing intensive\ncare staff in two London hospitals, we had seen no real improvement and we quickly\ncame to the realisation that it was a matter of \u2018when\u2019, and not \u2018if\u2019, he would\ndie. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then, in the early hours of one Friday morning, we were\ntaken on a slow walk down a long corridor by a team of well-meaning and\nprofessional doctors. They invited us to sit in a rather sterile but\ncomfortable family room and under bright fluorescent lighting we all confronted the full gravity\nof the situation that my cousin was now in. The time had come.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The\ndoctor\u2019s politely and sensitively informed us that all treatment avenues\nhad been exhausted. The medical opinion was clear, but the final decision was\nours. Selfishly, I was pleased my father was there with me and it wasn\u2019t\nsomething that I had to face on my own. We both knew that he had reached the\nend of the road but when you have to actually call time on someone\u2019s life I\ndon\u2019t think you would be human if you didn\u2019t waver. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
We requested that a chaplain be sent for to give him the\nlast rites and, with typical attentiveness, the hospital obliged. Our Irish\nCatholic heritage looms large at times like this, with tried and tested rituals\noutlining how to respond until the initial shock and sadness subsides which is\na comfort for those left behind as much as for the dearly departed. Then, as\nthe machines were stood down, there was a surreal few minutes while we waited for\nnature to take its course. Empathetic nurses offered tea and kind words at\nevery turn. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dazed and confused <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Funeral planning began immediately. As we stumbled dazed and\nconfused out of the ICU, I was handed a \u2018bereavement pack\u2019 by the intensive\ncare nurses; with leaflets on grief counselling, sheets explaining what needed\nto happen next, and various funeral companies advertising their services. I was\ninformed that my cousin would be transferred to the hospital mortuary while a\ndecision was made about whether a coroner\u2019s inquest would be necessary. On this\noccasion, I was assured this was just a formality. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Over the next 24 hours, tough conversations followed,\nletting people know what had happened and getting a sense of who was willing to\ncontribute to a funeral and to help to sort through his affairs. We were greeted\nby harsh words from some, and silence by others but, by the end, a small\ncoalition of the willing had been established. <\/p>\n\n\n\n My cousin was not a wealthy man. Living week to week was his\npreoccupation, and he wasn\u2019t someone who set his horizons further afield than\nthat. He didn\u2019t have a funeral plan, no insurance, no savings, and no\ninvestments. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The family members willing or able to contribute agreed that\na balance would need to be struck between being true to our traditions and culture,\nand staying mindful of the cost. Everyone had families to think of and we\nhadn\u2019t anticipated budgeting for a funeral in 2019. A combination of dignity and practicality would\nbe vital, and it fell to me to make arrangements, find an appropriate funeral\ndirector, and to notify the relevant authorities. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Life and death admin <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n The next day, I was back at the hospital where I was issued\na pink medical certificate confirming the cause of death. This is an important\ndocument as without that pink slip you are unable to register the death with\nthe local authority. In England, Wales and Northern Ireland, you must ensure\nthat a death is registered within five days (in Scotland that period is\nextended to eight days). <\/p>\n\n\n\n The hospital also provided a green slip. This document is to\nbe passed on to the funeral director once they are appointed. Without it, they\nwould not be able to take my cousin out of the hospital mortuary to transfer\nhim to the funeral home in preparation for the funeral. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Once those documents had been provided, I then needed to make\nan appointment and to take myself off to the offices of the local authority to\nformally register the death. Death certificates are not issued free of charge,\nand I was advised by family members who had been through the process before to\nmake sure I bought four or five when they were issued. Trying to get hold of\nthem afterwards is difficult and even more expensive, and many companies and\ninstitutions will demand a formal certificate when closing down a deceased\nperson\u2019s affairs. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Once the death certificate had been prepared, I was able to use the government\u2019s \u2018Tell Us Once\u2019<\/a> service to notify many departments all at once including HMRC, DWP, the Passport Office, DVLA, and the local council. Unfortunately, this useful option is not available in all parts of the UK (see the list here<\/a> where it\u2019s unavailable). In doing this, I registered myself as the executor of my cousin\u2019s \u2018estate\u2019 which largely meant that any further correspondence would be sent to me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The cost of dying <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Once the process of notification had begun, attention turned to the funeral. The last thing you want to do when it comes to an occasion such as this is haggle or penny pinch. Equally, costs can spiral quickly if you don\u2019t look around at your various options and make hard choices. As the recent SunLife <\/a>\u2018Cost of Dying Report\u2019<\/a><\/em> shows, the cost of funerals is rising exponentially and is at an all-time high. <\/p>\n\n\n\n It was quickly agreed that a cremation would be most\nappropriate. We wanted to return my cousin to the village in Ireland where he\nhad been born and raised but the process, practicalities, and cost of\ntransferring his body across the Irish Sea made the option of doing that a\nnon-starter. However, the Catholic faith does allow for cremation provided the\nashes are buried. It was decided that he would be buried in a family plot\nfollowing a religious ceremony in Ireland and a small service in London to send\nhim on his way. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I then set about looking at the options for cremation. I counted out several high-street funeral directors simply due to high costs. The next option we considered is what is known as a direct cremation, the option David Bowie had selected<\/a> for himself. Essentially, that does not include a formal funeral or any pre-funeral events, thus reducing the costs associated with a traditional funeral. <\/p>\n\n\n\n That was by far the cheapest choice available, and services like Pure Cremation<\/a> seemed to offer a dignified and sensitive option. However, with a small group of family and friends based in London and the rest of the UK, we decided we wanted to give them the opportunity to pay respects and to have a short funeral service with my cousin present. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The funeral <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n After a while, I was made aware of a service offered by London\u2019s Brent council (the borough my cousin lived in). Unlike the stereotypical \u2018paupers funeral\u2019, Brent Funeral Service<\/a> offered a flat fee low-cost funeral. While it was \u2018no frills\u2019, it offered a viable option without compromising on dignity or quality. <\/p>\n\n\n\n After sending an email to them on the weekend, my phone rang\n15mins later with a kind and patient funeral advisor on the end of the line ready\nto talk me through the process. A meeting was quickly arranged and, with the\naddition of some very reasonably priced add-on costs (e.g. a hearse), a date\nwas booked. <\/p>\n\n\n\n With this package, however, there were certain restrictions\naround the time and location of the funeral \u2013 such as, it needed to be on a\nMonday, Tuesday, or Wednesday between 9 \u2013 10.30am, the service could only last\n30mins, and could only happen at certain appointed locations. Funeral advisors\nMatthew and Caroline were on hand to help us build a fitting order of service\nthat was in keeping with our traditions and the rules set out. The decision of\nlocation was made easy as one of the locations allowed was exactly where we\nwanted to hold the service anyway. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Once that peace of mind was assured, it became clear that it would be more cost effective to buy an urn directly from a wholesaler. A quick search online meant I was able to find a suitable company called Urnswithlove.co.uk<\/a> that offered a selection of urns that they could deliver for a reasonable price, too. <\/p>\n\n\n\n