{"id":5813,"date":"2019-01-05T12:50:09","date_gmt":"2019-01-05T12:50:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mouthymoney.co.uk\/?p=5813"},"modified":"2025-03-03T11:00:32","modified_gmt":"2025-03-03T11:00:32","slug":"fresh-air-family-spirit-and-scenes-worthy-of-the-edinburgh-fringe-why-i-wont-be-joining-a-gym-this-january","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.mouthymoney.co.uk\/budgeting\/fresh-air-family-spirit-and-scenes-worthy-of-the-edinburgh-fringe-why-i-wont-be-joining-a-gym-this-january\/","title":{"rendered":"Fresh air, family spirit and scenes worthy of the Edinburgh Fringe: why I won\u2019t be joining a gym this January"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cGuys, I shall be holding a Christmas circuit training bootcamp every morning in the garden. It will take place in the small window of time between my lie-in and my midday drinking.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

This is the announcement I send to my siblings via the family \u201cChristmassssss\u201d WhatsApp group, before our descent to Kent for a week or so of gross over-indulgence at the booze cabinet of Mum and Dad. <\/span><\/p>\n

My parents, who don\u2019t do WhatsApp, are notified about the bootcamp via a telephone call. \u201cAh, I hope it\u2019s not bad weather,\u201d says my father, in a tone that suggests he\u2019d rather eat lanced boils than put a pair of trainers on. <\/span><\/p>\n

This is to be expected, however, I have higher hopes for my mum, who spent decades doing Mr. Motivator to offset her pregnancies with the five of us. Aerobics was so entrenched in our childhoods that when I learnt to walk I followed every fourth step with a clap and a leg curl. (It\u2019s a good job I don\u2019t drive, as it\u2019d be quick step to the clink if I were ever pulled over and asked to walk in a straight line).<\/span><\/p>\n

I feel a bit sick as we squat-jump on the grass, but I don\u2019t let on because my sister is filming from the kitchen window.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

And so on Christmas Eve, at about 10am, I crash about the house bellowing: \u201cBOOTCAMP! Mum are you ready? BOOTCAMP! Everyone in the garden!\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

Despite the house bursting with eight adults and six children, just five of us traipse to the garden, past the fox poo on the patio, and the pond that dual-purposes as a skip. I feel a bit sick as we squat-jump on the grass, but I don\u2019t let on because my sister Belles is filming from the kitchen window, and attempting to goad my brother. \u201cDid you have to wear pink? Was this the dress code? Did Samantha tell you to wear that?\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

My brother, who has a sensible job, tells Belles: \u201cYou\u2019re not filming me.\u201d But he is quite wrong about this. \u201cWhat are we hoping to achieve today?\u201d barks Belles, who fancies herself as Louis Theroux, her phone held high to capture our walking lunges. \u201cGo away!\u201d I shout in a fit of pique. \u201cThis is not a discussion just fucking fuck off!\u201d And so she goes back into the house and sends the video to everyone on WhatsApp.<\/span><\/p>\n

Bootcamp attendees drop by the day, and by New Year\u2019s I am doing it by myself.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

My other sister, Pen (a casualty of excess wine consumption and therefore unable to participate) declares that the footage is: \u201cGOLD! This is fucking hilarious \u2013 it\u2019s best thing I\u2019ve ever seen!\u201d This would be an excellent accolade if I were promoting a show at the Edinburgh Fringe, but it\u2019s somewhat dispiriting that this is her reaction to the sight of me doing star jumps. <\/span><\/p>\n

Bootcamp attendees drop by the day, and by New Year\u2019s I am doing it by myself – although I make up the numbers with all the food babies I am harbouring in my gut. And while the exercises stay the same, the level of difficulty increases in correlation with my cumulative hangover and my daily stride towards obesity. <\/span><\/p>\n

In addition to the padding I\u2019ve cultivated from eating all the Snickers in the Celebrations, I am also carrying the load of a couple of lady beards I\u2019ve grown under my armpits, due to inept packing leaving me stranded without a razor. I am sure my glossy manes are providing additional resistance against the December air as I do my burpees in the bog-like wasteland that is my parents\u2019 garden. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

My Christmas bootcamp lasted for nine days solid and, despite getting my hands grubby with fox faeces, I jolly well enjoyed it! So I shan\u2019t be forking out to join a gym this January \u2013 instead I\u2019ll be outdoors, exercising for free in the fresh air. And now I\u2019m back in London, I\u2019ve got my sights on roping in my neighbours!<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cGuys, I shall be holding a Christmas circuit training bootcamp every morning in the garden. It will take place in the small window of time between my lie-in and my midday drinking.\u201d This is the announcement I send to my siblings via the family \u201cChristmassssss\u201d WhatsApp group, before our descent to Kent for a week…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":55,"featured_media":5815,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"image","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1341],"tags":[15],"class_list":["post-5813","post","type-post","status-publish","format-image","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-budgeting","tag-excercise","post_format-post-format-image"],"yoast_head":"\nFresh air, family spirit and scenes worthy of the Edinburgh Fringe: why I won\u2019t be joining a gym this January - Mouthy Money<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Her bootcamp lasted for nine days solid and, despite getting her hands grubby with fox faeces, she jolly well enjoyed it! 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